Learning through change

Sometimes I just don't understand.  I honestly thought things were going ok with our kids.  I don't talk a lot about what happens in our house, because quite frankly I am drowning in some ways.  I thought having a child with Autism was going to be the only thing life would throw at me.  Yeah...wrong.  Apparently mysterious forces were at work.  Hey, if she can handle one kid with Autism, she can handle two...oh and here's another child with ADHD and ODD.  Right...ok then.

Now before you think I'm asking for sympathy, I am not.  I am tired.  I am running around like I have my head cut off.  It's exhausting.  But, it's also an amazing learning experience.  I have three kids, with different needs.  And some I've never even heard of nor dealt with.  The heck is O.D.D? That's been the one I've struggled with the most.  I have been surrounded with Autism for years, but never heard of nor had to deal with O.D.D.  It's been a learning experience.

My youngest son was recently diagnosed with P.D.D and O.D.D.  That really shocked me.  Some of my closer friends would ask me if he would always do certain behaviors.  I was just in...well he's just being 2.  Nope, not being 2.  So, being who I am, I took him in to a psychologist and explained some of his...well I call them quirks.  LOL She decided it was a good idea to evaluate him.  That shocked me.  I didn't really think he'd even be considered for an Autism Spectrum Disorder. And before you stone me, I am used to severe Autism, not High Functioning. What the heck do I know? Well I should, but no I didn't.  So, the evaluation process continued for a few weeks and she had me come in for a meeting to discuss the data.  As we discussed the data, I just continued to be the person saying no...this isn't my child.  So, she took out the DSM manual and proceeded to go through the entire Autism Spectrum Checklist with me.  More of it fit him...and it made me want to cry.  How the hell did I not see this? Why was I in such denial?  So, I walked out of the office, barely able to think.  Holy moly I do not like that feeling.  I felt like a terrible mom.  I am a freaking graduate student in special education and I can't even see my own son's Autism.  Yeah talk about your horrible feeling...

So, now we're just waiting for another doctor to confirm it and help me come to terms with it.  For the most part I have, he's still the same kid...just quirky lol.

So, my middle son..he's struggling in school.  He has been having a lot of trouble focusing in work on his own.  He is barely passing.  And he's in kindergarten.  How can you fail kindergarten?  Well, let me tell you, the academic pressure starts the moment they walk in the door.  It surely is special...and it makes me...almost...want to homeschool my kids.  I don't have that in me.  But anyway, I started noticing he was very aggravated with lots of things and school made him angry, and that anger is kind of scary.  I, again, do not know what O.D.D looks like.  I just thought he had a crazy temper, kind of like me when people mess with my kids.  No, not a chance.  His anger started getting out of control.  Either I have been blind to it, or I really just didn't see it to be that bad.  When he started threatening us, like threatening to kill us, or threatening to do harm...I knew we had to seek help.  Plus, his doctor had just diagnosed him with ADHD and O.D.D...I didn't believe it, so we got a second opinion.

The second opinion took time, but she came to the same conclusion.  I saw the ADHD, but not the O.D.D, so I did some research....this fit him, almost to a T.  I do not think my son is a bad kid, no matter what these symptoms are. He is an amazing child. He is sweet, and can draw so well for his age....but he still has anger problems.  So...we are waiting for the final doctor appointment to help me and maybe get him some anger management as well.

I am learning.  Having three kids, who need several forms of therapy is exhausting and fascinating.  I have learned new things that I can share with other people and other families.  

I got really mad when someone told me that God gave me what I could handle.  I couldn't believe it. Who on EARTH would curse someone with three different disorders...how the hell does that work? How on earth is that even fair? What God would do that to me and my family?  

I had a to come to terms with it myself.  I am grateful to have so many people who will listen to me, even when I need to hear suck it up.  There are far worse things in life, but...right now I am learning now to see this as a well struggle.  Life gives you struggles...you just deal and move on or move with it.  I am sure there will be some more tales to tell in the near future.

Another IEP...oh joy.

I haven't written in a while. Let's just say, life got in the way.  I've been dealing with a husband that left for a month, making life choices that will determine the path I take, and another child going through the IEP process.

Quite honestly I feel like crying. I feel like I completely failed my middle son. I'm so busy working with my oldest and helping him with his needs that I did not do enough for my other sons.  I know I am not failing him, but it sure feels like it.  Sometimes I wish there was more than one of me, so I could help him get done what he needed to have done.

So where to begin with Christian?  Well, I've always had concerns about him, I just don't know how to explain it.  Yes, maybe you could call it the paranoid mother, who watches all her kids after having one with Autism.  He's had multiple ear infections since he was a baby. Thankfully, he was able to avoid having any hearing problems, for now.  (Unless you count selective hearing.)  He's had 4 surgeries as well, before the age of 5. Two sets of ear tubes, tonsils and adnoids, and a fun little incident where he punctured his ear drum and it had to be repaired in a hurry.  He's definitely one of those rough and tumble boys. We jokingly say, filling the ER quota...but it's no joke with him. I think I have a few gray hairs already from this kid.

So when he entered his first year of preschool, at 3, I watched his every move like a hawk. Yes, I am paranoid. But it's for the best. I only want him to do well in life, and I don't want to miss what I missed with his older brother. Call it my guilt trip.

His first year of preschool was very difficult. The teachers decided to place him in a class that was older than he was, due to his maturity level. Honestly, that was a mistake. He was not ready for that. They focused on kindergarten skills and he couldn't keep up.

So the next year, we put him in a preschool that was amazing. (If you haven't heard of Headstart, you should look into it.)  His teachers were always on par with what he needed and I never felt that he was behind. He excelled so much.

Kindergarten began. I was very excited for him. He's my first 'normal' kid and I was hoping that he'd excel.  In all honesty, he hasn't. And it's terribly disappointing for me and my son. He wants so badly to do well, but he seems stuck.  He gets angry and I honestly have never seen the amount of rage from a kid, that I have from him. He hates going to school, he cries when we have long breaks and then has to go back.  It breaks my heart.

I have had him evaluated for ADHD and the doctor came back with O.D.D as a diagnosis, which I will not accept. I want a psychologist eval, not a primary care doctor that we barely see. He also prescribed some ADHD medication and at 5, I'm not really comfortable with that, especially when he's not been evaluated at school or a psychologist. But that's me.

So now it's the waiting game. On December 11 is his IEP and I'm praying they have found a way to help him. Until then...just waiting and waiting. :/