I lost a little of my hope today. I usually look on the brighter side of things. I have been through worse. Today I felt blindsided. Today was Christian's final hearing screen. This was supposed to be the last hearing test we were to deal with after all the ear infections, after all the ear surgeries. THIS WAS IT! I was excited. We were done! We got to the hearing clinic early, as expected with all military appointments, and waited for the hearing screens to begin. The right ear was perfect. Then, the left ear showed a big flat nothing. When you put the ear thing (I'm not sure what it's called) in an ear, the ear drum is supposed to show a little curve, kind of like a lumpy bell curve. Christian's left ear registered nothing. It was flat-lined. The doctor's eyebrow raised, she re-administered the test. That set off warning bells in my head. CRAP...this is not good. Another ear infection, I thought. Maybe it's nothing.
Then the additional testing began. She looked deeper in his ear. She was looking for something...something that I didn't understand. I thought we were finished. I thought he was in the clear. Finally she was done. Christian was such a pro throughout the entire screening, turning his head, laying still, and doing whatever she asked. I was very proud of him.
The results are not good, she said. There are two things that could be going on. First possibility (the one I'm praying for) is that he's blown another hole in his ear drum from an ear infection. That can cause hearing damage, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there. The second possibility is that he has complete and total loss of hearing in his ear. That is what stunned me the most. I'm not ready to believe that. I know there is some great technology that we can get for kids with hearing loss, but after all this time, after all these surgeries to preserve his hearing.
I sat in the car, not really sure how to react. This battle isn't over for me. I will be damned if I give up without a fight. Even if it turns out he has complete hearing loss in that ear, we will fight on. But I'm still horrified, devastated, and in shock. I am scared. This is a new thing for me and I don't know what to do. I honestly felt completely without hope for a few hours. I wanted to scream at God and yell. People tell me all the time, God only gives you what you can handle. I'm like seriously? How much more can I handle? It's one thing after another after another after another. I feel like an egg with so many little cracks. One more crack and I am going to explode all over the place.
I pick myself up, call a few people, who help put my mind at ease. I can deal with this. I am in shock, but I can deal with it. I am a strong woman, who has been given a life that not many people could handle, and yet I muster on. I must pick myself up off the ground and hold myself up for my children, my husband and my family.
The initial shock is over and I have in my head what the plan of action will entail should the unthinkable happen. Hearing loss isn't the end of the world. It sucks, but it isn't the end of the world. Please pray for my family as we walk this very nerve-wracking journey.