Friday, June 24, 2011

Just have to push harder, fight harder...that's all I can do

The last year has been hard for us.  Deployment, health problems, lots of fun stuff, but we've gotten stronger as a family.

The fight to push harder, fight harder is going to get harder.  Caleb's appointment with his doctor this week was disappointing, and crushing to me as well.  I have poured therapy down that child for years and years.  But unfortunately its not doing what we want it to do. 

The news we received was that Caleb has regressed significantly and is getting more 'autistic.' Yes, I put quotes around that word, because I don't use that word.  I don't like the implications of the word 'autistic.'  It's like saying Autsim is all he is, but it's only a piece of him. 

We have to get a complete and new re-evaluation of Caleb.  That will be done, either next month after we've finally gotten into a developmental pediatrician, or when we go back to see her in December.  Let me tell you something about waiting lists while I'm at it.  Caleb has been on a waiting list for a developmental pediatrician since we moved to Colorado.  That's 2 years people.  Just imagine trying to see your doctor and needing to see your doctor now.  There is such a high need for doctor's who can do this stuff.  I wish there were more!

After hearing the news, my mom was with me and was trying to draw me out of the funk I was in.  I can't explain it.  It's hard for even me to express the amount of crushing feelings I am having.  Part of me is screaming with anger, saying why didn't I do more, push him harder.  Part of me is sobbing with grief, as I am watching my little boy slowly slip further and further into himself.  The biggest part of me is resolved to try even harder.

Most of you who do know me, I am a fighter.  I don't back down from a fight.  When people told me Caleb would never talk, we got him to talk.  You tell me my child won't do something, that's like a challenge.  And I love a challenge. 

The biggest thing I ask is for you to pray for us.  I could really use that right now.

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