Learning to let go....the case of the clingy parent.

This isn't my brightest moments as a parent. I have always wanted the best for my sons. Having a son with Autism has been...terrifying and enlightening at the same time. I don't always know what to do.  Balancing being an advocate for my son's rights and letting my son doing new things...it's hard! I want him to do new things, but I don't always know if it's the best thing for him.


I have a confession to make. I am that parent. I am paranoid. I am always terrified that Caleb isn't going to be comfortable in a situation. I hoover more than I should. I ask a 100 questions about certain activities when most parents ask one or two.


Why? Well, I can't say it's his Autism. It's me. I am a scared parent. I confess to being that parent. I want him to thrive and succeed in all possible ways. But I'm starting to realize that I am holding him back because of my paranoia.

I don't honestly know how to get rid of this fear....he's 11 now and I am starting to realize that I am a big fat baby when it comes to letting him do stuff. I make excuses and say oh no I don't think so...when I really don't actually know. It's time for that to stop. I have stopped for the most part, but there are still some times where I catch myself going back and making excuses.


Would I want him to make these excuses? Do I want him to use his Autism as an excuse? Nope. I have never ever allowed him to use it as an excuse, so I need to stop doing it myself. He has issues, he has problems, but he can cope through situations. I need to suck it up and be less of a clingy mom.


I am so proud of who Caleb has become. Just look at this young man. Look at how handsome he is. He has come so far and I need to allow him to become who he is meant to be. Time to let go and let him be the man he is meant to be. Yep...it's going to be hard. But...it has to happen.

I don't think I am a bad parent. Just learning as I go...and I have learned that I need to let go. No more clingy mom. Well...in some cases maybe, I need to let go and let him grow.

Why I hate the 'R' Word.

I am pretty open minded. I don't mind talking about random subjects. I will even spar on the very uncomfortable topics, such as abortion, religion and politics. But one thing I am a bit sensitive too...it's the use of the 'R' word. I don't like it. Nope, not one bit. I know it's a medical diagnosis. And I know it's used in certain diagnosis'. Heck, my son had a diagnosis of mental retardation before he was diagnosed with Autism.


So why don't I like it? Story time. Yes, I am ashamed. I've used it. More than I should. I've used it in reference to people and other things that I really shouldn't have ever done. But I know better now. I have respect and I would rather use terms responsibly.

Another thing I understand and would like to address. By making the use of a word bad or something that people get upset about gives it power....yeah I get that. But I also understand there's a certain responsibility we have as humans.We should treat people respectfully. I'm not going to throw out certain words, because I believe they are disrespectful. Maybe that is giving the word power, but I disagree. I would rather respect my fellow mankind than disrespect them.

So what really made me hate the 'R' word? Well that's a story of epic proportions. My son was 3 at the time and I wanted to have him in a church environment. We put him in a church preschool, after telling the director/teacher all about Caleb's problems. (He hadn't been diagnosed with anything at the time) She was so nice, told us that she would help him in every way possible. I was so relieved. I wanted some exposure to a church environment and thought this was the place. I couldn't have been more wrong. I came to pick him up from school one day. The teacher/director was standing outside the classroom chatting with another person. I thought it was a bit strange to leave 10-12 preschoolers alone in a classroom, especially my son who has some issues with scissors and such. He had been known to cut things that he wasn't supposed to. I went into the classroom and started to get Caleb's stuff and she came in there like a hurricane.

I stood there and listened to her as she proceeded to tell me about my son's day. Caleb had an accident and had been left in the bathroom all by himself. She told me that he had taken his feces and wiped them all over the wall. Internally I giggled. I mean, who leaves a kid alone in the bathroom like that? Then came the worst of it. She told me that my son, the light of my life...was a retard....was the stupidest child she had ever had in her class. Yes, I am not kidding. I think my mouth dropped. I don't really remember what happened next. I didn't say anything. I saw red. You don't call my son that. You just don't. I don't care who you are. I don't care if you're angry. You don't call a child names, especially one who has an obvious disability. I left and found out later, that she had left my son covered in feces which resulted in him breaking out in a rash. Yep...pissed off mom. I called and asked for my son to be removed from the program after that. I was done.

So, that is why I don't like the use of the 'R' word. I won't yell at you. I will educate you and probably ask you to not use it around me. It's just not a word I like...and I will probably get kind of angry if it's used inappropriately.

Debate Fest Denver 2012: Spreading Autism Awareness

So yesterday I got to do something pretty darn fantastic. I went to Debate Fest in Denver, Colorado at the University of Denver. I was, quite frankly, a bundle of nervous energy. I was terrified. People from all over the world were there. Press, Secret Service, Politicians, crazy protesters, etc...it was CRAZY!!!! But I wasn't there to talk politics. I was there to raise awareness. Our goal was to get at least one candidate to mention Autism. We really need Autism to be on the agenda, because we need our voices heard. We deserve a voice and I was determined to have that voice heard.

I arrived in Denver around 11. We weren't allowed inside the Debate Fest area until 2. So...we sat at Starbucks for 3 hours. That was interesting. The people who went in and out were a mix of press and people all over the world. The team I was with would go up to the press and ask them to stop by our booth/tent and learn more about Autism Votes and etc. I'm a bit shy with the press. Then the Secret Service popped in. That was funny. One of the girls from the group ran up to them and asked if they were. They answered in the affirmative. I laughed. They were giving it away with their little ear wires sticking out. We wanted to take their picture, but...they thought we would post it on YouTube. Apparently YouTube is where you post pictures now...haha

Another amazing person we met was an illustrator from the NY Times. She saw my shirt and asked about Autism Votes. I proceeded to talk to her about it and then asked her about hers. She was from Artists Votes. She told me about her cause and why it was important. She then proceeded to tell me about what she did and what she was doing professionally. It was so cool! Meeting an artist of her stamina. I felt so honored!

So around 2, we all walked back to where our site was, wearing our awesome little amusement park credentials. Yes, our credentials were wristbands that you get at either a bar or an amusement park...it was hilarious. I giggled. I looked around and saw all the other booths and tents. There were many different views, many I don't agree with, but yeah...I'm not going to write about that today. Ha.


The table was fixed and ready to go, when I noticed the sign was backwards. I asked if I could fix it. The ladies grabbed a few zip ties and I jumped on a chair to start hanging the sign back up. As I was getting down from fixing the sign, Fox news comes over and asks me to get back on the chair so they can get me in the camera hanging the sign. So...my butt made the news. Awesome haha. I laughed so hard.

The next thing I got to do was a radio show...I've done one before, but not in public. HOLY COW I was a nervous wreck. There was a lot on the line for me to get everything right. I had a lot of information to get out in about 90 seconds to 2 minutes. I literally had no time. I was shaking in fear. I don't like public speaking at all. They handed me the microphone and I kept lowering it down to my knees. I wasn't sure I could do it. But then I remembered. This wasn't about me. This was about helping get more awareness. I wanted to help others. I needed to suck it up and just do it. Sure...I was near tears and shaking badly, but I got everything out. I said what I needed to say. It went quite well. I felt that I was able to get what I needed out and speak on behalf of my cause.

Debate Fest opened at 3 and went til 6. In that span of time, hundreds of people swarmed in. They came over to our booth and our team increased their awareness of what Autism Votes was about.  Now you may be wondering what Autism Votes is. What we want is a reform on insurance. Right now it doesn't cover all therapies for kids with Autism. And that's not right. We want Autism on the agenda of every politician. We want it addressed and we will continue to show up at every debate, every door, and I will be there with them as long as I'm able. I don't just want this for children but for adults. Children are covered but what happens to the adults. We aren't talking about that and that scares me for the future of our kids. I have a son to think about and so do many others.


Towards the end, I started getting, well in my words, pimped out the the media. LOL I went to all the major news stations, standing in front of their cameras so they could see the Autism Votes tee shirts. MTV panned a shot of our booth and happened to get me. I gave them a cheesy thumbs up. The cameraman laughed. Hey I got my 5 seconds on MTV! Bwhaha

I drove home and contemplated a lot. Why do I do this? Why do I drive out of my way, spending hours away from my kids, talking to people I don't know, publicly speaking when I am terrified, and all for free......I'll you why, because if I don't, who will? I have a voice and it must be heard. I want people to know why this is important and why you need to know that Autism isn't just going to disappear. We are going to continue to be out there. You can listen and I hope you will take something away from it. Because that's all I want. This is so important to me.

Where I am today

I am not proud of where I've been. I am, let's face it, a food addict. I would like nothing better than to just shove my face into a bucket of chocolate and go to town, but I prefer living.  And this is what it got me... I was miserable in my body. I wanted to be healthy. I got a wake up call a few years ago after having my third child. I was at risk for diabetes. I fought like hell to overcome it. Nothing I did worked. I tried diets after diets...fad after fad and I failed.

I finally found one after talking to a nutritionist...eating a diabetic way. I should have just stuck with that, as I had gestational diabetic with pregnancy and then again with my third pregnancy. But let's face it, who wants to be on a diet? Not me. But this isn't a diet. This is a lifestyle change. You want to change? You change your life. You want this weight off, then make changes to do it. Start making little changes. If you focus on a high goal, you will fail. I did for a long time. This did not happen overnight. This picture above is of my oldest son. He's 11 today. It took me years to get this off. The last of it came off in the last 2 years, when I really started to focus on making myself healthier for me. I want to live a better life so I can be there for my kids. I really think that's important. People can tell you all this information. I can sit here and blog all day long about how you should do this and that and blah blah blah, but until you want to change, nothing will happen. This is what I look like today. I am down nearly 150 lbs. I am very very close to my goal weight. It's not about what I want to weigh anymore. It's about living a healthier lifestyle. I want to live a healthier me so I can be there for the important moments for my kids.

When friends become family

I got a call from the Autism Speaks committee after completing the walk in Denver. They asked if I would be willing to help put together the walk in Colorado Springs. It was the first walk in Colorado Springs to be done by Autism Speaks. This was a pretty big deal. Overwhelming would be a better term you could say. I have done charity work, but not on this scale. Holy peaches this was crazy. I didn't realize how much responsibility entailed a walk for charity. There are so many details and they have to be done in a very quick amount of time.

I was in charge of the corporate sponserships. First off, I am..not the best at getting people to give money. Honestly I am terrible at it. I don't really feel I lived up to my end of the deal, I really tried my best to get businesses to donate. In the end, I found one. My son's therapy clinic. They donated between $2-2500. I was pretty darn proud of that. They also sponsered my entire team's tee shirts and I was so excited.

The best part was these people in this picture. 

They came from all over Colorado Springs. They raised nearly $700. I can't take credit for any of this. They came and supported something that means a big deal to me. Some of them are connected to Autism, others were not. They came to support us, and it was our first time meeting. We met on Facebook through a support group called Support for Special Needs: Military or Not. 

I'm not one to get mushy or...emotional, but this meant a lot. To have people come and support you, it means the world to me. I didn't know them well, but they came anyways. And to that, I will be forever grateful. You have shown me what it is like to have family out here.  

I want to karate chop Autism. That is all.

Well...some days you win and some days you lose. I have never given up on the fight on getting my son the best service, the therapy he needs and anything else that Autism goes with. But...sometimes you can't count on mother nature. Regression, puberty, deployments, people coming in and out of your life and making schedules SOO hard.

 Caleb has been having some noticeable changes over the past few months. He's been full of rage, regression has been apparent, and well...things just didn't seem right. I have been fearful. Fearful that he was slipping back into his Autism and going to a place where I couldn't save him. But I know that's not true, because even if he slides to a place where I can't communicate with him. I will always be there for him. I will always fight for him. I will always make sure he has everything he needs in life. It's all I can do to ensure he has a good life. What else can a mother do? It's what we all want in life.

Developmental pediatrician appointments scare the crap out of me. I know they shouldn't, because they give you answers, but they also give you answers you don't want. For months, I've known something was wrong. I just knew it, call it a mother's intuition.  But you just don't want to say it out loud, because then it's real. It's real and you have to deal with it. I hear from other people, oh no he's going to be fine...call me a pessimist, but I just know that I'm going to have to work harder. Not that I mind a challenge...I am a fighter, it is in my blood. I am just tired. When you have a kid, like mine, it's intense 24/7. I get a break, sometimes, but mostly I am his whole world.

Anyways...needless to say, I was proved right. I was told his diagnosis from PDD-NOS could now be considered severe Autism. Commence kick in the gut. I was broken, or at least that's how I felt. I just wanted to break down and eat a whole box of chocolate something. But I didn't. I just continued on with the day. I mean that's what we do right? We get bad news, we take it, and then we move on. What more is there to day? I am upset, and I want to do something about it, but for me...no. I will fight harder and look for ways to help more. Who knows what will happen in the future, maybe it'll change. But for now...I would love to karate chop Autism. Yep...go away. I don't like you and you can take yourself away.

Regression and how much it sucks

Today I cried. I cried over the fact that I felt like I was losing my son. It felt awful. This is regression.

Regression is when you see your child slip into a state of being and you can sometimes rescue them from it. I'm not sure I can rescue my son from his regression. Yep, it sucks. I hate it. It makes me angry. How dare you steal my son from me when we've worked our tails off to get him to this point.

But I smile through my tears, I'm not done. I'm not done fighting. If my son regresses, I'll find a way to reach him. If he regresses to a point where I can't get to him, I will love him as who he is. I will love him for his normal.

Listening to this song helped me a lot. I'm not giving up. NOT ONE BIT.